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Aug. 1st, 2008

relaxed meghan

Film Idea: Schizo-Effective Disorder and my brother

The background story:

The idea is two girls, about one year apart and were basically raised the same way. They are both cousins, you find one of the girls named, (1)________ is a girl who has lost everything at 19 years old she has the whole world on her shoulders. Sequentially all the meaningful people people in her life have slowly drifted away from her, her mother who suffered a anorhism and was in coma for awhile died from a decision that her father made but, was executed by herself and her brother. Her brother after the passing of their mother was diagonosed with schizo-effective disorder was put into a mental institution. She has hope though that one day he will move out. Her father who has had psychologically problems committed suicide. She's holding it all in, one day ready to burst, just didn't have the right people to burst to.

(1)________'s cousin, aunt and uncle come to visit her. This story is told through the story of her cousin. A girl who basically grew up the same way (1)________ did. Well, she didn't come from a difficult family life but, you would see the parallel between them, both spoiled and naive to what the world has to bring them. It is (2)_________ reunion with her cousin that her life is forever changed. She comes to realize that everything around her is not as horrible as it seems. The irony of the situation is that (1)__________, with all her tragedies is still able to live, she may not live systematically but, she is able to live. Although it may not be perfect, she's living. She loves her brother more than anything in the world. Her cousin (2)__________, has always struggled with her life, she is a pessimist, and although seems happy, has always been a pessimist. The type of person who chooses to be negative because she believes that the fall, if failure is the final destination, would not be as hard, fast and would be less painful. (2)________ learns to find love in her family, her extended family again. They both have had struggles with their families turning their back on them.

The general story:

The Narrator, (2)_______ says;

Montage of the events that happened.

1 picks ups 2 and her family at the airport. 2's family sees 1's disposition not really excited somewhat stagnated in time. 2 is constantly trying to be funny to try to lighten things up. The goal of the scene is to try to lighten the situation. 2's family, is trying to be helpful by asking her questions. As they drive off. A somewhat distant feeling is created.

Trip to the apartment where 2 meets 1's roommates and sees the mess with dishes everywhere. Scary posters of Asian bands. 1 asks her cousin if she wants to have some ice cream with her.

(Next scene is in the car, 2 makes a comment that she's glad that her mother didn't see it because she would not be happy about it. They talk about how, 1's uncle buys her groceries and she borrows money from him. He owes him money. 1 makes a joke telling her cousin that her uncle can no longer buy botox because he needs to pay David. We should go visit David tomorrow.)

Bedroom scene where 2 tells her parents about 1's situation. She doesn't have a bed scene.

Meeting 1's brother in the mental institution. His dancing. Jokes about Rex Navarette,

To be continued.

Jul. 28th, 2008

relaxed meghan


Ok so I've done the cliche, you know where the girl in her pre-adolescent years dreams of finding her soulmate, where then that dream carries on to the rest of her life, and then basically the rest is history. Well honestly, I don't know if I really still believe in soulmates or if they even really do exist.

Anyways this is what I have to say...

This past year, I thought I found someone really special who I thought, thought that I was special. You are all probably thinking, yes, I've been there, I've done that, and of course it was all a lie. Perhaps, then again, maybe not, it could be you are happily in love right now with your new/current boyfriend and are thinking this person is really special to me. The thing is, I'm not just talking about relationships, I'm also talking about friendships. When you find that you have met a person who is going to be one of your best friends in the whole world, which in my opinion, is above all most relationships that you can speak of. But for every friendship, there is always one person in the friendship who in my opinion loses, if it really runs deep. Either you, or the other person is what I like to call "the giver," (a role that can be reversible between two people) and essentially it's not a bad thing or idea that there is one person who is given this term in a friendship. It is only bad when "the giver," is being stepped on, forgotten about and misunderstood. I've seen this happen twice to two of my friends and it is always in those moments where relationships dissolve. Then there are friends who were former lovers, with people I've talked to on this subject I've always encountered differing opinions. Some say, "you can never be friends with your ex" and others say, "it only makes sense that you are to stay friends with your ex." I don't know, but what I do know is that if you were once with someone and because love is so blind, you became someone you thought your former beloved wanted you to be, sooner or later you would realize that that person had no idea who you really are. Like that person doesn't know that you're not serious all the time, and you're clever, funny and the type of person who doesn't care how society views you and just want to be happy, or maybe that person just fails to see you in general. You basically don't live your life the way that person you were with lived his/hers. Which is a probably one of the reasons why you broke up in the first place. So as the story ends, you separate from your once significant other, are given space, and when you reunite, you remember how you once claimed this person to be your beloved, you hear his/her words, you look at that other person as they stare at you back, afraid to show a look of disappointment, you smile, and then you realize that this person doesn't know a single thing about you.

The End, I know it's a tragedy but, it's a true story.

Jul. 26th, 2008

relaxed meghan

(no subject)

So I'm watching "You Drive Me Crazy," which is probably the epitome of the worst of the worst teen movies. But it got me to thinking, who misses the age of the 90's where we all loved pop music and according to all the lame teen movies that came out during that era, there were actually rules to dating. It makes me laugh every time. On the topic of teen movies in the 90's, I just wanted to say, who thought that teenagers actually wanted to watch this. A movie where it's premise lies in the idea that Nicole (the protagonist) did not get asked out by gorgeous school jock in school, therefore must go to extremes to preserve her dignity and reputation. Seriously, it was only in 80's that we had good teen movies with depth, who remembers 16 candles? Breakfast club? Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Any of those ring a bell. A time where romantic comedies actually had depth and were not merely mocking teenagers of today. Although, as I watch this movie, you come to realize that there are some good subplots. Then, there is always the development of the relationship in the movie, it always grows and is fun to watch. Only problem is, it is highly predictable. So how does one filmmaker make a great romantic comedy satisfying everyone involved including the audience and the critic. So you're probably thinking what do you mean, audience and critic, doesn't 16 Candles satisfy both? Answer to that question is yes, this movie does meet to those expectations but, ask yourself this question, when was the last time you saw a movie and you felt that it wasn't highly predictable? Then let's say that you have two characters they fall in love and they don't end up together your result, the audience doesn't like it. How many times have you heard people saying I loved, My Best Friend's wedding but I hated the ending. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Jul. 22nd, 2007

relaxed meghan

July 22, 2007

Today, i went shopping and I definitely went on one of those so called sprees. I bought everything like shoes, pants, cute tops and even a bag. And you know what makes it worse, i bought all designer labels like, "it jeans", "BCB girls" and some others. Don't you just love Nordstroms. I feel good about it and yes, I do want to brag because I loved everything I bought. But you know why I did it, it's because I was very sad today. Because I miss everyone so much. Funny thing is that I don't only miss everyone, I miss the security that I used to have. And shopping takes all my tears and fears away, i guess.

I'll admit being a filipino in the philippines who spoke and even acted like an american gave me some kind of upper hand. Well, not in the beginning in fact in the beginning I was made fun of and even bullied from one time as I can remember it. And I guess, the same thing is kinda happening to me at work but not as bad. It's just happening on a level that I'm just basically sensitive enough for it to let it bother me.

It's seldom, in my life that I actually feel truly heard by others. I mean I know people hear what I'm saying but, you know that feeling that you feel like someone is grasping every word and truly understanding? Well, that's what I feel when I write down in my journal. And posting it in my live journal has in some sense set me free from keeping things to myself or the feeling that I'm not heard. It's so much easier to listen to something without grasping the meaning of it rather than to read something and do that. I think, it's for that reason that writing sets me free. When my day is rough or something bad happened to me I can just set it free.

My friends who read this, I don't really know what they think of me. At this point, I just think that if they are really my friends they won't think I'm weird and just accept me for who I am. It's actually only been at this time in my life where I am able to truly share myself and feelings with people and it's by doing this simple task of live journaling. I may not be the best writer, what I write may not even be interesting to any of the people who read it but, if it matters to me then, I think that's all that really matters.

Jul. 18th, 2007

relaxed meghan

Questions of Life

Sometimes, I wonder why God made hardworking people struggle so much whereas, lazy ass bums just sit there lay around and do nothing. Like this one guy at work, he's probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He's so hardworking and everything but my manager says he doesn't know anything and doesn't understand english. Of course he does, I mean yeah his primary language is spanish but he can speak english. There is always that issue at hand.

Anothing thing I don't understand quite yet is if all us people in the world really have a purpose what if some of us where just here in order to fill up the population and make it look nice? I mean, I guess you can say you served your purpose in the world if you had a family and where able to pass on good morals down to others. But, what if, let's say you don't get married, never have kids but your the most successful person in a financial company. What purpose have you served? Except for maybe your a really smart guy who knows how to make money. When I say purpose, I don't just mean we are out to fufill our own missions such as dreams and ambitions but to actually make a difference in this world. Do we all have that kind of purpose? Like the people, who murder people? Why are they even here on this planet? So are some of us here just to fill in the gaps? Then again we are a world based on only perception, like I only believe that, that person who was a successful business man served no purpose because of my perception of having a purpose. I know it may seem that my idea of having a purpose in life is extremely idealistic. But, why can't it be? Isn't it if we truly have served humanity and mankind we would have somewhat saved the world in even the smallest way.

My next question is why are most songs about love? Especially the slow ones, why are they all so romantic. What if I just want to listen to something mellow? Do I honestly have to listen to people who are broken hearted or about how they met for the first time? It just makes me feel depressed because it makes me want having a boyfriend even more. On that note, I realized that when it comes to guys I have had a lot of missed oppurtunities that I think that I should have seized but, I didn't because I just knew it wasn't right. So then again, I did do the right thing but the bad thing about it is that I'm still lonely and want to be with someone and nothing will ever change that fact. I feel like I'll forever be snow white singing, "some day my prince will come."hehe

Honestly, sometimes I just laugh at myself of how over dramatic I can be about some stuff actually almost everything I am pretty dramatic about. I'll admit it, but I'm only like that because like my parent's say, "I"m a sesitive soul." That's why they always have to be careful with me.heheh Well, it's true I am ultra sensitive. But, that's me a sensitive, extroverted/introverted, loving, caring, loyal, kind, hardworking and as the list of postitive traits goes on beautiful girl.haha Well, what people don't know is that I can be extremely judgemental of people, a tendancy to be hard headed, also yell a lot when I'm mad because I don't believe in hoarding feelings. I also am very choosy with friend, I won't just really be friends with everyone and there are really people that I do and don't like. But, that's normal for any person I think.

Anywas, I'm tired of writing.. I'm gonna sleep now. :)

Jul. 17th, 2007

relaxed meghan

The sweet age of innocense

Sometimes, I question as to why everyone thinks I'm sweet and innocent. I mean just by looking at me people generally feel that way about me. It's not that I mind it even or anything sometimes, I just wonder how almost or shall I say all people I meet feel that way about me. I will be honest I do like being the young one always the youger sister type but, I just turned 19 and sometimes I feel that this image of myself has got to end. I can't possilby go my whole life being the younger sister and it does horrible things for my love life (the prime delimma that I make much too much out of), because then I'm always looked at as the friend rather than the girlfriend type.

What do I need to do to break free from this image? I've already gotten drunk a few times something I'm not generally proud of but, should somewhat in my opinion escape me a little bit from my pure innoncense that people label me with. And I would never do drugs because I have more morals than that. Never would I go out and flirt with a guy. So what constitutes me as being innocent is it because I don't have a boyfriend? Because I'm still a virgin, give me a break. That's so lame, I know a lot about relationships even more than most people know in their lifetime full of stupid/hurtful/broken relationships. The reason, why I'm not in one is because I seek to find the right one. If never having been in a relationship constitues a reason for my innocense I compeltely and utterly disagree. Wouldn't most people say especially in early childhood that a CHILD is someone who is considered innocent. Well, I am not a child I am an adult in most parts of the world by the age of 18 and the fact is I'm already 19.

So, from this day forward I say I'm not innocent anymore because I am not a child. Nor, do I want to be called sweet, not that it's a bad name to be called. It's just does why does everyone especially at work call me, sweetheart, sweetie and etc.. blah, blah, blah, blah... grr.. It was nice at first now I'm annoyed because I realized that only little children are called that, why me too? I'm not a small child in fact I am a young adult. I would like to establish that in the eyes of people who don't see me as one.

I sometimes wish people would come and realized that although I act nice and innocent at times ther is actually more to me than some sweet naievtte girl. I'm actually an individual with leadership qualties, opinions and is highly capable of accomplishing anything that I want. My lack of experience in relationships should not label as sweet or innocent because nor am I easily manipulated by the male species. As if they are so empowering, why do they feel like woman are second to them.

Sometimes, I feel this whole world doesn't know who I really am. People don't know that I actually am extrememly tempermental and I have a tendancy to yell and scream in order to express myself. Sometimes I do this not because I'm in a tantrum or anything but because not a lot of people actually listen to me in which I feel compeltely repressed from being heard by the people that are important to me. I scream sometimes so loud also because not very many people appreciate or recognize my hard work nor my talents.

But, I guess by the end of the day like on a day like this it would all come down to that, I'm just me. And it doesn't really matter if people think I'm innocent, mean, ugly, pretty, skinny, fat or any adjective in the dictionary that could be used to describe me but, what matters is that you do your best to be the best person you can be. And if that's not enough, the hell with it and live everyday to the fullest.

Jul. 13th, 2007

relaxed meghan

(no subject)

today I'm 19 years old, when everyone here in the U.S think that I'm like 16 years old. Give me a break, how in the world can i even look that age? let me think 3 years ago I was a million times more innocent and unknowing as I am now and even less matured. I can't say I've fully matured but, at least I can say I've improved and I think that's a pretty good. No one can ever be really matured to their fullest because if that were true there would never be any room for us to grow. I understand a lot more now then I ever did before and that makes me feel like there is clarity in my life.

And there will always be the regrets in my life to look past on and at times, I feel that I have no idea why they happened to me. You know that concept that everything happens for a reason? Now I'm beginning to think that things just happen. But, even though I'm a little bit older I still will and always believe that I'm still that princess locked in the tower waiting for her prince to come. I mean I won't always believe that, I will though until I live the fairy tale (at least). And that right there is a symbol of how I haven't matured, the fact that I still believe in happily ever after or a fairy tale dream wedding. I live in the world of idealism and I still cannot grasp letting go of it because it makes me feel secure. Because I know that if one split second I knew that all of this was something other than ideal I might get scared and keep running away from everything in my life just searching for something that I could never feally find.

But, for now my problems will disappear for at least one day where I can be happy. Today is the day I will let go of whatever is bothering me and live freely without worry or care.

Jul. 10th, 2007

relaxed meghan

(no subject)

You know I absolutely love filipino movies? I can never come to admit that sometimes but its' true. Everything that happens to people in a love story, filipino movies I would want for it to happen to me too. It seems like the things that happen in these movie never really happen in real life? I know I sound extremely idealistic and probably like a valley school girl prep who is still waiting for her prince charming to come. I feel really lame.

I used to like this guy for a really long time now he doesn't really talk to me anymore, he basically just won't respond to me. And then the other guy I used to like even up till now it's been so long probably after 5 years. I still have feelings for him, of course he has a new girlfriend now. I met her even not in person well online, and I really like her a lot and as long as she makes him happy. I feel happy for him too. I think I've written about him in so many of my journals well not really online in my written journals. It's just strange how he always tells me he loves me but i know it's just in a sisterly way (i think). He asked me the other day if I knew how much he loved me? I responded by saying that I loved him a lot too. I really do but like most of the relationships that happen in my life, they all don't really pull through.

I feel like somtimes, I'm like a randition of snow white. Always, telling myself or shall I say singing to myself some day my prince will come? Well, most of the time I feel like my prince charming took a wrong turn and got lost and is too lazy to ask for directions. Tell me, you've heard that quote a million times?

Mr. five years guy wants me to go see him in which I could if I wanted to. But, deep down inside I know it would make me unhappy to see him with his new girlfriend. But, i think more importantly it's time to let go of the past and never look back. (deep breathe) But, when is it going to happen to me? When is it gonna be the right time I'm 19 years old and still nothing has happened to me? Oh well, like Snow White always says, some day my prince will come..

Jul. 7th, 2007

relaxed meghan

Never been kissed..and sorta like 19 candles

I’ve never been kissed, on a date that was worth anything, in love and have had a boyfriend, unless the three that I had in first grade counts. I’m almost 19 by next Friday, the 13th as a matter of fact. I will be 19 and more than anything in the whole wide world I want to have someone to be with and keep me company.

I want to experience new things and feel how being with someone can make me a different happy like everyone else I know. Asides from all these things, I often times ask myself, honestly, what’s wrong with me? I’ll be completely honest it’s been a really long time since someone has actually asked me out on a date. I don’t know why and not to be mean or anything I see a lot of ugly girls who have a boyfriend or who have been asked out on dates. So why the hell not me? I’ve been told that it’s because I don’t give signs to guys or I’m not flirtatious enough. But is that true? I mean it’s just not me to be flirtatious with guys. So is everyone saying that in order for me to have a boyfriend I have to be something I’m not? Why would I do that? I want to find someone who likes me for how I am. My friend told me, she’s knows of a guys who likes me. Then I thought and then what? A guy likes me and doesn’t do a single thing. I just don’t get it.

So when does the fairy tale start and actually come true?

Jul. 5th, 2007

relaxed meghan

My homesickness and my friends that i miss.

I'm an only child and ever since I can remember I've always known how to keep myself company. Not having any brothers or sisters when I was younger made my parents buy me a lot of computer video games in fact I went through, a super nintendo, pico, playstation and a nentendo 64. By the time I was a little bit older and my dad asked me if I wanted an x-box, I remember thinking it's useless having a computer to play with will never replace having a brother or sister. My dad, when buying these gadgets he would always say, "here you go, here's another brother or sister," then he would laugh. At first I would enjoy playing the games that I was able to buy. But, then I remembered how after a few months I always would get bored.

I guess, the point I'm trying to say is that being in Dallas, back to my original home has made me feel my not having brothers and sisters again. I wish sometimes that I had someone like a brother or sister to be with me even if we fought all the time. I think it would just be nice to have someone to talk to when you don't understand your parents or just to go to for advice. My classmates in CIS, all of them are like brothers and sisters to me and that's why I think I miss them more than ever before.

I'm almost 19 years old, and I'm spending my birthday at six flags there is some kind of event that my friends want to go to. It's my dad's company party and since all my friend's dads are part of the same airline company as my dad we all have to go on my birthday. I don't want to go to six flags at all, I know you probably think why not? Well, first of all I don't like being under the sun because I'm going to turn dark. I look horrible when I'm dark and on top of everything this is the first year in a long time that I'm not spending it with my classmates from high school. I know, I have to let go of the past. Maybe that's one of the worst habits that I have in the whole entire world. Well, that and also the fact that I'm ultra sensitive.

I miss brigette my best friend from the whole class because she's the most caring and understanding, she always tries to make me feel better. I miss being with Ayla especially in manila because we really got close and she always gives me good advice and I always have the best times laughing with her. I miss kirstie and how sometimes she always gets slightly embarassed when she's with me because I'm being too loud and I also miss talking with kirstie and laugh as well. I think with everyone we all have different jokes with me, especially. I miss mara and how particular she was about different things that I did in which she always noticed when I had wrong grammer while talking or notice nice things about me she would point out and she's really easy to talk to. I miss moe and her piano we always would play songs together and I would sing, and then me and moe and all our deep conversations so unforgettable. I miss Isa, she always made the class fun and interesting, she's also the most fun when it comes to partying at vudu. Then there is my favorite seatmate in whole wide world that's michiboo, my favorite artist who is gonna be the next best thing in the fashion world, she is the one I talk with about everything especially when it comes to boys, I learned a lot from michelle.

The guys well I miss eric because of our fights that we had. In fairness those were a lot of fun and eric always making fun of me. I miss justin and his jokes on me they were definetly the most creative of them all and justin always gives me such great advice and is easy to talk to. Ben and talking about his love life and I acutally miss that game he made up, who remember's it? You know, "The Idiot Game."haha Ben's also like a brother to me, you know the annoying kind that always makes fun of me, just kidding, well he's also really caring. I miss Allen because he always can make me laugh and is really just funny. Like I was watching shallow hall, and when I saw jack black, I immediately screamed out I miss allen! I miss tim because he's always there for me when I need advice and he never lies to me no matter how much I don't want to hear something he always just tells it to me how it is and I kinda miss how he teases me. Well, everyone teases me in my class period even the girls. Well, I miss jun2x and how serious he seems all the time but, I know deep down inside he really is a nice good hearted guy. Rod, oh my goodness is like the craziest and most interesting person I've met in my life, his life is like something I could only watch in a movie, I think. Dietmar and our busride conversations and how he always calls me megsy. Lastly, but not the least I miss pat and how he's like conan o'brian and our really good conversations he gave me advice that I'll never forget and he's a great rocker.

But, these are all things that my friends back home in Cebu understand, they also accept me for exactly how I am. No matter how loud, annoying, talkative, whiny, panicy and moody I may be the seem to just allow me to be who I am. I was reading past testimonials and most of them said that I needed to tone down a lot and then their testimonial would usually end with something saying how I shouldn't changed because then that wouldn't be me.


Then, their are my MANILA friends and they brought out a different side of me they helped me to find the more matured meghan who wasn't the baby anymore. I learned to just be me in a different way in which with them I was able to speak my mind and articulate myself better with them. I miss them very much as well. Like with pam, she's like my guidance counselor and she has the cutest expressions when I tell her stories. She really listens to me when I talk and that's important to me. Edsel, is my eating friend which is difficult to have when your trying to lose weight but, I always had the best times with ed and talking about the drama in our lives. Him and Pam are like the best singers I know in person, seriously. Then there is bunny, I miss how she was the first person who helped me through my tough times in ballet and really understood as a true artists herself. Then there is Hope, I swear I could never get bored to listening to all her interesting stories about events in her life and she characterizes and analyzes people it's the most entertaining thing for me to do. Lastly, there is Earl who is how I met all these people in the first place in which I miss hangin out on sunday afternoons after ballet and having adventures all the way to alabang on a bus. I miss our conversations and how he would try to ask my opinion about something and then really take it to heart and understand my point of view I have very few friends who actually care and truly listen to my opinions. Oh yeah, and I know I only knew jammala briefly, but I love her she's the best so much fun to hang out with and so down to earth and smart too.hehe And then there is also Lavina, whome she's like one of my closest friends of all times. I miss talking with her and going around eng walk, meeting new guys and just having so much fun.

Well, I think I got out all my homesickness and I feel so much better. I wonder if anyway is actually gonna read this from top to bottom, honestly, if you did read this all the way through I'm surprised you have the patience. And if you are just reading the last paragraph you should really check to see if I wrote about you above. Well, blah

And like a fairy tale, I'll close by saying

And I lived happily ever after.

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